Saturday Funnies

Two brilliant quotes from a pair of men who have certainly been on the receiving end of our criticisms and mockeries once or twice lead off today's funnies.

First, yesterday, as you know, was Independence Day - the day on which the bands which have connected the NHL and Jaromir Jagr were finally dissolved. I can't say that I'll miss J.J. (make sure to stop by Puck Daddy for a fitting eulogy to #68's NHL career), but have to give him a golf clap for his parting shot:

"And I also want to say to the people like Mike Milbury who made their living by criticizing me all the time, that they can kiss my ass."

It's a good thing I have a real job, or I might be in line to pucker to the posterior.

Our next quote is from Kevin Lowe who, emboldend by P.D.'s praise, is sick of Brian Burke running his mouth:

"Where do I begin? He's a moron, first of all. Secondly, he really believes that any news for the NHL is good news. Thirdly, he loves the limelight and I don't think anyone in hockey will dispute that. Lastly, he's in a pathetic hockey market where they can't get on any page of the newspaper let alone the front page of the sports, so any of this stuff carries on.

He's an underachieving wanna-be in terms of success in the NHL. He won a Stanley Cup? Great. I've won six Stanley Cups, you want to count rings? Who cares, it's just a little pathetic that he carries on."

Throw in Dan Boyle's blasting of the new owners in Tampa and, to a lesser extent George McPhee's frank discussion of the Cristobal Huet fallout and this is officially now the Summer of Claws. I think I speak for all of us when I say I can't wait to see what's next.

Finally, here's a not-so-secret document via Tapeleg - The Book on Jose Theodore:

All of which presumably leads to this:

Hopefully he'll write a new chapter in D.C. that ends a little bit more like this:

Thursday Roundup/Gamenight: Oil @ Caps

[AP Preview - WashingtonCaps.com Preview]

When George McPhee stepped to the podium late last June to make the Caps' first selection in the 2007 NHL Entry Draft (fifth overall), many an expert thought he'd be calling the name of London Knights pivot Sam Gagner. McPhee didn't take Gagner, however (though it sounded like he might, up to and after the last second), he took Karl Alzner who, by all accounts, is having a terrific year (one that includes captaining Canada to a World Junior Championship gold and tallying 21 points and a plus-13 rating in 34 games for the WHL Calgary Hitmen), leaving young Sammy on the board to be snatched up with the next pick by Thursday night's visitors to the Verizon Center, the Edmonton Oilers (who, incidentally, haven't won in D.C. since January 26, 1997, a span that has included five Caps wins).

And while Alzner racks up the accolades and achievements, Gagner is making a name for himself as well in the best League in the world. In 44 NHL games, Dave's son has 3 goals, 13 assists and a minus-12 rating. Unfortunately for Gagner, seven of those points came in his first eight NHL games - he has scored just two goals and registered seven assists in his last 37 games and is pointless since December 13 (a span of 12 games). Perhaps Kevin Lowe is regretting the decision to keep Sam in Edmonton this year rather than sending him back to London. Maybe not. One thing is for certain, however - it's not the only decision that Lowe has made in the past year that has had people scratching their heads (for a fun stroll down memory lane, check out all our coverage of The Nylander Saga - some of our best work of last year, if I do say so myself).

But for all the criticism - justifiable and otherwise - Lowe's Oilers are a hot streak away from being right back in the thick of the playoff hunt in the West, thanks in large part to a breakout season from Shawn Horcoff (who is a hat trick away from tying his career high in goals), the sheer offensive wizardry of Ales Hemsky (who also starred in one of my favorite YouTube clips ever), and the revelation that has been Mathieu Garon (14-10-1, 2.37, .918 for a guy whose career numbers entering this season were 60-56-9-3, 2.87, .903).

Of course, you don't find yourself near the bottom of the Conference standings without your fair share of disappointments. Take, for example, Jarret Stoll. After averaging better than .80 points per game and a plus-three rating in the first two post-lockout ssasons, Stoll is disappointing both on and off the ice this year, with only 21 points in 46 games, a minus-12 rating, and one Alexei Yashin (it should be noted, however, that Stoll has been better of late... on the ice, at least). Free agents Dustin Penner (who also has stepped his game up in recent weeks) and Sheldon Souray have combined for 37 points in 68 man-games, and have done so at a cap hit of $9.65 million for the year (not to mention the first, second and third round picks in the 2008 draft that the Oilers will be providing Anaheim with as compensation for signing Penner). Dwayne Roloson - one of only three NHL goaltenders older than Olie Kolzig - is 7-12-3, 3.12, .901. Steve Staios is minus-13. Geoff Sanderson has two goals. You get the point.

On the season, the Oilers are near the very bottom of the League in goals per game, goals against average (though theirs is a fifth of a goal per game better than the Caps'), shots per game and power play percentage and have lost their last four road games. In other words, this is a very winnable game for the Caps, who have to keep winning the games they should win - which is probably exactly how the Oilers are thinking about this game as well. Let's just hope the Caps can finish things off in regulation - Edmonton has a League-high 12 wins in games that have been tied after sixty minutes, including an 11-2 record in shootouts.

Why The Oilers Will Win:

"As self-loathing Oilers fans (are there any other kinds, lately?), we believe the Edmonton Oilers will absolutely DESTROY the Washington Capitals in Thursday night's match-up. Why? Three words: Puppy Dog Eyes. After looking into the sad, sad faces of our young, floundering squad, the Caps hearts will be left broken and empty. We'll then go ahead and fill that void with goals, and plenty of them. Now who's crying? Nylander for one, but that's a whole other story. So stuff that in your pipes and smoke it you Washington fat cats, what with your smug Ovechkin having fanbase..." - Oilblobosphere

"[T]he Oilers already traded away their prize for finishing dead last this season so the Oilers don't have quite as much motivation to lose as the Caps." - The Real Deal Hockey

"Part of me wants to say karma after Nylander screwed Edmonton over and ended up in Washington. However, I actually like the Capitals and their very interactive owner. As a result I'll focus on where I think Edmonton has true advantages. First of all, both Oiler goaltenders have performed better than Kolzig this year. Garon especially is one of the hottest goalies in the league while Kolzig has struggled to regain his form. Edmonton has a better defensive core as well. The Caps have a couple of guys I'd love to see in the copper and blue (Green for one is outstanding) but 1-6 Edmonton has more depth. Up front there's no Ovechkin in the Oilers line-up, but a two-way forward group that includes Horcoff, Moreau and Pisani is a significant step ahead of the group in Washington. They should be much better at even strength and on the penalty kill, while Washington's forwards are more explosive and should be better on the power play. Finally, Edmonton has a veteran coach while the Caps are coached by an NHL rookie. - Oil Country, Ontario

Elsewhere 'Round the Rinks:

An article on Horn Guy.... Hey, guys, it's not too late for you all to chip in and get me a birthday present.... This YouTube clip is obviously old, but it's new to me and is worth checking out if only to see Alex Semin not only smile, but laugh as well (h/t SSM12 on the link).

Daily Awards

• Hart: Rick DiPietro (W, 37 saves on 38 shots against)
• Ross: Patrick Kane, Kimmo Timonen, Dustin Byfuglien (3 points each)
  
• Norris: Kimmo Timonen (G, 2A, +1, 2 SOG)
  
• Vezina: Rick DiPietro (W, 37 saves on 38 shots against)
  
• Richard: Patrick Kane, Bill Guerin, Daniel Briere (2G each)
  
• Calder: Patrick Kane (2G, A, +2, 3 SOG)
  
• Aiken: Marek Schwarz (L, 5 goals allowed on 13 shots against in 38:55 of work)
  

Nylander's Done - Whom You Should Blame

So Michael Nylander is out for the year with a torn rotator cuff. Whether or not Nyls has been all that you hoped he would be thus far, you, as a Caps fan, are understandably disappointed and frustrated at this turn of events (unless you're one of the morons who think that the Caps won't miss the guy who's leading the team in power play scoring, is second in overall scoring and in ice-time among forwards and has taken the second most faceoffs on the squad... then again, if you are one of those morons, this probably isn't your blog of choice).

And since you're American, the obvious question is "Who can I blame for this crap hand I've been dealt?" Here, then, is a list of folks at whom to direct your anger:

• Michael Nylander. While I don't normally advocate blaming the victim, this is one instance where it might make sense. Did Nyls injure his shoulder attempting to sign one too many SPCs in the off-season? Is he faking the injury in attempt to duck Kevin Lowe whose Oilers come to town for a game Thursday night? Did dipping his shoulder on one thousand too many offensive-zone pirouettes do the harm?
• The New York Rangers. Did those bastards send a lemon into unrestricted free agency just to screw us? Is the curse of Jaromir Jagr alive and well?
• The Verizon Center Ice. It's been blamed for just about every other injury the team has suffered so far this year.
  
• Nolan Yonkman. It wouldn't be the first time...
  
• Me. Is karma paying me back for this morning's line about Dany Heatley's shoulder?

What are our other options? It can't just be bad luck, can it?

On a sidenote, a beer on me to whomever is first with the inevitable rumor of the Caps pursuing this guy to fill their newly found "veteran Swedish center" deficit.

[Note: In all seriousness, Nyls deserves kudos for playing through the pain as long as he did, even when other teams were targeting the injury. You don't typically think of him as a "tough guy," but he certainly demonstrated both guts and leadership to a young team - which is part of the reason he was brought to town in the first place.]

Quote Of The Day

"We're going to take the three picks, and given Kevin [Lowe]'s recent (managerial) performance, we expect them to be excellent picks." - Brian Burke (via Mirtle) on Anaheim's decision not to match the offer Edmonton made to Restricted Free Agent Dustin Penner.

Is Kevin Lowe Trying To Get Fired?

I'm not trying to pile on here, but what the hell is Kevin Lowe doing in/to Edmonton? Let's put it this way - if Lowe worked in the current Bush Administration, he'd have been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by now. Here are a few of the Oiler GM's recent head-scratchers:

• Traded "heart and soul" Ryan Smyth to the Islanders at the trade deadline, sending OilerNation into a deep depression, only to admit just a few months later that had he known the salary cap was going to rise as much as it did and had he known the troubles he'd have luring free agents to Edmonton, he'd have given in to Smyth's ~$5.25 million demands (Smyth got $6.25m/year in Colorado). Regarding the former, everyone knew the cap was going to get a decent bump - take this report from back in February, for example, noting that a $4m increase was expected. Regarding the latter, Lowe is apparently just realizing "what Calgarians have known for years: no one wants to move to Edmonton." The trade itself was certainly defensible at the time. But the rationale given now raises an eyebrow.
• Failed to draft Karl Alzner, who, by many accounts, was the guy the Oilers were targeting (they were clearly high on him), despite the fact that Los Angeles, with the 4th pick, was looking to trade down. The Caps, of course, drafted Alzner 5th, leaving the Oilers to draft Sam Gagner at 6th.
• Traded captain Jason Smith and winger Joffrey Lupul to Philly for Joni Pitkanen and deadweight Geoff Sanderson. I'll give Lowe a bit of a pass on this one, given Pitkanen's upside and Lupul's horrendous 2006-07, though it's never a good thing when a trade "has [your] players fuming off the record" (though it is, presumably, better than when they're fuming on the record).
• Lost out on signing unrestricted free agent Michael Nylander (in case you hadn't heard) who took significantly less money to play in D.C.
• Traded a (likely very high) second-round pick in the impressively-deep 2008 draft to the Islanders for Allan Rourke - a guy who "will provide [the organization] with experience in Springfield (Edmonton's AHL affiliate)" - and the Isles' third-round pick in 2008.

Now, I'm admittedly an outsider looking in on the situation and have cherry-picked some less-than-favorable examples to make my point. But that point still remains - Kevin Lowe has made some questionable moves of late, and Edmonton Oiler fans deserve better.

Update: I just saw an explanation for the Rourke trade that makes sense, and that is that the Oilers needed to acquire that 3rd round pick - which had originally been there and was sent to the Island as part of the Marc-Andre Bergeron trade - in order to have the right picks so they can make an offer to a Restricted Free Agent. Maybe Lowe knows what he's doing after all.

Update: The Oilers have signed Sabres RFA Thomas Vanek to a 7-year/$50-million offer sheet. If the Sabres don't match, not only will the Oil be on the hook for $7+ million per year for the next seven years, but will have to compensate the Sabres with four first round picks as well.

Update: The Sabres match. Who's next up for Lowe? Zach Parise? Dustin Penner? What's Plan C?

Update: As of 1:30, here's the first graf of Lowe's Wikipedia entry:

Funny. (h/t to ExParrot)

More Nylander Details

Kevin Lowe's side of the story (at least a good chunk of it) appears in today's Edmonton Journal. You can't help but feel a bit for Lowe, and you can tell that Michael Nylander does too - I'm sure deals get announced all the time and go off without a hitch based on the "agreement to agree" that Lowe and Gillis reached. But it's pretty clear that that's all that was present here. Money quote?

"I know in today's game you also need a player's signature, and I said, 'well let's get the sheet signed (by Nylander),'" said Lowe.

According to Lowe, [Nylander's agent Mike] Gillis said his client was exhausted and asked if he could sign in the morning. Lowe agreed but says he never got a signed sheet back from the player. Instead, Nylander signed in Washington Monday afternoon.

Can this please end now?

UPDATE: There's a bit more here, including this:

Lowe said he called Caps GM George McPhee.

"He told me he got a call from the player and cited the Mike Vernon judgment that a player is not signed until he's signed."