If I Were A Hockey Player

Apparently Jes has started a new chain letter that's spreading through the blogosphere faster than his mom's chlamydia. Casonblog has tagged me, so here we go.

If I Were a Hockey Player

Team: Washington Capitals

Uniform Number: 16 (in honor of Bengt Gustafsson, my first favorite hockey player)

Position: First-line playmaking center

Nickname: Japers (but only because Rex Grossman took my original nickname)

Linemates: Alex Ovechkin and Peter Bondra (c. 1995-98)

Rounding out the PP: Al Iafrate and Dino Ciccarelli (Bonzai will play the point)

Job: Setting up the two greatest scorers in Caps history while cleaning up their garbage in front

Signature Move: The Hogan (charging at the goalie with the puck on my stick, slamming into him and watching the puck trickle over the line... just like you'd do in NHL 94)

Strengths: Possesses an excellent combination of skill and physical play. Is an outstanding playmaker due to great vision. Also takes care of business in his own end. Can change the pace of a game with an eye-popping rush or a crunching hit. [per TSN.ca's scouting report on me]

Weaknesses: Tequila, the Canadian Ballet

Equipment: Whatever - it's a poor craftsman who blames his tools

Nemeses: Denis Potvin, Pat LaFontaine, Petr Nedved, the entire city of Pittsburgh

Scandal Involvement: see "Weaknesses," use imagination

Who I'd face in the Stanley Cup Finals: Sidney Crosby and the Kansas City Penguins

What I'd do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Fill it with redneck margaritas and declare yet another Cup victory for the South

Would the media love me or hate me? The media would be largely indifferent (though somewhat condescending) towards me, as they always have been with anything to do with the Southeast Division

Alright, my time's up. You guys have been great. Don't forget to try the waiters and tip your veal (or something). I tag SeSo running mates TLW and Jen, The Peerless Prognosticator and any (all?) of the OFB guys. I'd also invite anyone to comment with their own answers (especially you, Netsy).