Sunday Funnies

Hat tip to Alex Ovetjkin for pointing us to the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review's article which asked a number of mainstream media types the ridiculously ambiguous question, "Who is the NHL's best player right now?"

The results and commentary are all worth checking out, as the writers engage in an impromptu competition to see whose quote can come across as the douchiest. The winner? Probably Pierre LeBrun, though Bruce Garrioch's rhyme and Tim Panaccio's head-scratcher are up there. Oh, and who the hell voted "Chris Pronger"?

Saturday Roundup

Poor Larry Brooks, Bruce Garrioch, Jack Todd et. al. How are they going to sell papers and generate page views now that the object of their collective affection has jilted them? Dion Phaneuf is a nice player, and I'm sure he'd rather play in a "real" hockey town than... oh wait. Henrik Lundqvist will be a Restricted Free Agent this summer, and I'm certain he'd prefer the bright lights of... dammit. It's just not the same any more, is it, fellas?

You've got to feel for these guys. I know I do. In fact, I feel so bad that I'm going to help them out by writing their next column for them. Here goes:

On Thursday, Alex Ovechkin sent a message to the hockey world that he wants to be a [insert name of "real" hockey team of choice]. While it may seem odd to read that in light of the bank-breaking deal he just signed with the Washington Capitals, it's as clear as [select "Lake Placid" if American or "Lake Louise" if Canadian] in January.

As you may not know, the Great Eight's new deal includes a limited movement clause that kicks in when he's 27 - precisely when he is entering his prime years - which will, in essence, force Washington to deal the sure-to-be-disgruntled winger (after all, five more losing seasons playing to an empty house in a crime-ridden city will certainly take its toll on the talented Russian). It's unclear how many teams he will be able to refuse to be traded to, but sources close to the negotiation tell me that that number is anywhere from 27 to 28. Since he'll have some say in where he is dealt, then, it's a near certainty that he'll choose [insert "real" hockey city] to team up with his good buddy [insert name of Russian hockey player - it doesn't even have to be a player currently on your team of choice, as the player you choose will no doubt have been signed/traded for to be used as Ovechkin bait].

Ovechkin's esprit de corps [Larry, you might want to go with "camaraderie" here - it sounds less effeminate stateside] with his future teammates with his future teammates and loyalty to his future organization is further evidenced by the structuring of his deal. Besides the fact that Alex will be a bargain in the out-years of his contract (just imagine what [insert "Patrick Kane" if American or "John Tavares" if Canadian] will be making by then), he'll actually be a smaller cap hit than the salary he'll be making - both of which will make it possible for the [insert team name] to finally give Sidney Crosby the winger he so richly deserves (hey, Crosby will take less than market value for the honor of playing here, but let's not be ridiculous - he won't come too much cheaper than a guy like Eric Belanger).

So while it may take longer than you'd like for Number Eight to put on the [insert team colors] jersey he was born to wear, know that in his heart and in his mind, he's already a [insert team name]. Message received, Alex. Loud and clear.

You're welcome, Asshats.

Elsewhere 'Round the Rinks:

Brent Johnson was awesome for Hershey in a rehab start.... Why Michal Neuvirth was traded (again).... My Sheet, my rules.

Daily Awards

• Hart: Mike Sillinger (2G and the shootout game winner, +3, 2 SOG)
  
• Ross: Trent Hunter, Ruslan Fedotenko, David Vyborny, Adam Foote (3 points each)
  
• Norris: Adam Foote (3A, +3)
  
• Vezina: Josh Harding (W, 41 saves on 43 shots against)
  
• Richard: Nikolai Zherdev, Marian Gaborik, Mike Sillinger, Owen Nolan, Taylor Pyatt (2G each)
  
• Calder:Josh Harding (W, 41 saves on 43 shots against)
• Aiken: Hannu Toivonen (L, 6 goals allowed on 37 shots against)
  

Sunday Open Thread

Never a doubt, eh?

Feel free to talk about last night's game, the latest crap from from Bruce Garrioch or anything else.

Photo: AP

Monday Roundup/Gamenight: Sabres @ Caps

[AP Preview - WashingtonCaps.com Preview]

Game Three A.H. brings a familiar foe to town tonight, namely the defending New York State Champs. Call it a hunch, but I'm guessing there won't be as many Sabres fans in attendance at tonight's game at the Verizon Center as there were back on April 7. Granted, it's a Monday night this time around (as opposed to a Saturday afternoon), but a .500 Buffalo team just doesn't bring 'em out of the woodwork the way a 30-games-over-.500 Sabres team does.

Anyway, the Sabres have been rolling of late, winning four straight (three of which were victories over Montreal) and outscoring their opponents 15-5 in those games to get back to .500 (10-10-1). Their power play has gone 4-for-12 and their penalty kill has been 12-for-14 over that stretch, which has certainly helped in piling up the wins. And, like the good Sabres teams of recent years, balanced scoring is the name of the game - despite being in the top third of the League in goals per game, they don't have a single player in the League's Top 70 scorers (Derek Roy's 17 points leads a team that has nine double-digit point-getters - contrast that with the Caps' four).

The Sabres have had trouble winning away from home - their three road wins is tied for the second-fewest in the League - but they'll face a Caps team whose three home wins are tied for the fewest in the League. Then again, the Caps are undefeated at home under Bruce Boudreau. Let's see if they can't keep the streak - and hope - alive.

Why The Sabres Will Win:

"Because Thomas Vanek has started taking over games and controlling play, even when he's not on the scoresheet. Because the penalty kill just held the top PP in the league to 1/9 over the course of two nights. And because the young guys are finally starting play like they really believe they don't need Drury and Briere instead of just saying it." - Top Shelf

"The Sabres will win the battle of the basement-dwellers for one reason: the turnaround has begun. Four games really is a winning streak. Lindy, and the Sabres will beat the Caps on the back of Thomas Vanek to move above .500." - In The Crease

"The Caps are on a coach-killing high...which might be cause for alarm if the Sabres weren't on an even more potent rediscovering-their-moxie-after-recovering-from-a-bad-break-up high. The Caps' journey toward self-discovery is just beginning, but the Sabres are back in the game for reals." - The Willful Caboose

Elsewhere 'Round the Rinks:

Michael Nylander isn't worth what the Caps are paying him. At least that's what a guy at ESPN.com says, so you know it's true.... Boudreau's just like John Tortorella with less hair.... Since was already throwing a Larry Brooks piece (of garbage) at you yesterday, I decided it would be too much to also make you read something from Bruce Garrioch, so I saved it for today. Apparently GMGM is the next in line to be fired (not that I wholly doubt the veracity of what Garrioch says on this point), and Olie Kolzig will soon be an Oiler. I'm sure.... Ten years ago tonight the Caps sent Rod Langway's number five to the rafters prior to the final game to be played at the Capital Centre in Landover. In that game, Peter Bondra became the second player to score 250 goals with the team (Mike Gartner, of course, was the first).... Finally, I think I stumbled upon a new marketing opportunity for Coach Boudreau(x) and, perhaps, Jeff Schultz.

Daily Awards

• Hart: Ryan Getzlaf (2G, +2, 4 SOG, 2 hits, 83% faceoffs won)
  
• Ross: Jamal Mayers, Todd Bertuzzi, Ryan Getzlaf, Francois Beauchemin (2 points each)
  
• Norris: Francois Beauchemin (2A, +1, 3 hits, 2 SOG, 2 blocked shots)
  
• Vezina: Roberto Luongo (27-save shutout win)
  
• Richard: Jamal Mayers, Ryan Getzlaf (2G each)
  
• Calder: Mike Smith (W, 39 saves on 41 shots against)
  
• Aiken: Alex Tanguay (0 points, -2)
  

Thursday Lunch-Time Chuckle

Bruce Garrioch is funny.

Today he talks about the possibility that the Lightning could move Brad Richards for one of the top picks in the Draft. While I don't see it happening (though he's my dream first-line Caps center), part of Garrioch's reasoning made me "LOL," as the kids might say:

The 27-year-old Richards is one of Tampa's top forwards ... [b]ut he could be expendable after the Bolts acquired centre Chris Gratton from the Florida Panthers last week[.]

Heh.

Clymer? I Don't Even Know 'er!

According to Bruce Garrioch, "[t]here's talk the Caps might ship D Ben Clymer to the Pens."

Considering that a) it's Garrioch and b) he lists Clymer as a defenseman, I don't put much faith in this rumor. But it would address one of Pittsburgh's needs (a bit more toughness) and it would give another explanation as to why Clymer's been sitting lately (other than he stinks), so I wouldn't dismiss it completely.