Without further ado, then, here are the nominees and winners of some, um, alternative awards:
Scott Mellanby Trophy (player who most needs to retire... three years ago): Jeff Friesen, Calgary; Derian Hatcher, Philadelphia; Jeremy Roenick, Phoenix. And the loser is... Roenick. With seasons like this (11 goals in 70 games), it's hard to remember that JR was a two-time 50-goal scorer and all-around dominant center.
Bill Mikkelson Trophy (worst defenseman): Adrian Aucoin, Chicago; Derian Hatcher, Philadelphia; Jason York, Boston. And the loser is... Hatcher. In 82 games, he only registered nine points and had a minus-24 rating, all for the bargain price of $3.5 million. The "new" NHL has not been kind to Hatch.
Todd Bertuzzi Trophy (least gentlemanly player): Sean Avery, Los Angeles/New York Rangers; Ben Eager, Philadelphia; Josh Gratton, Phoenix. And the loser is... Avery. Eager may have led the League in penalty minutes and misconducts, but Avery led in number of penalties and diving minors and only dropped the gloves four times - not very sporting.
This Guy Award (worst goalie): Marc Denis, Tampa Bay; Brent Johnson, Washington; Jose Theodore, Colorado. And the loser is... Denis. Brought in to be "the guy" in Tampa, he repeatedly lost his job to a guy with a 2.85 goals against average and .893 save percentage on a good team. Happy Birthday, Tampa fans! Hope you like crap!
Alexei Yashin Award (least valuable player to his team): Sergei Fedorov, Columbus; Derian Hatcher, Philadelphia; Jose Theodore, Colorado. And the loser is... Theodore. While maybe not the worst goalie in the League, Jose cost the Avs $3,146 per minute of ice time, and for that money they got a 13-15-5 record, a 3.26 GAA, a .893 save percentage... and an early April tee time.
So which stiffs did I miss? Are there any awards I need to add?