Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Ice Ice Babies: The Second Annual Japers' Rink Ice Princess

Back by popular demand, it's the Second Annual Japers' Rink Ice Princess Competition where you, the fan, picks the hottest Ice Girl the NHL has to offer. You'll recall last year's pageant... the pomp... the circumstance... the marginally-attractive girls. And though her reign hasn't quite lasted a full year yet, it is time for Kelly to relinquish her tiara. But to whom? Here are your candidates (a more impressive field than last year's, I'd say):
  1. Kerry, Carolina HurricanesA finalist last year, Kerry is back for a shot at redemptive glory. But while she may be easy on the eyes, she's a little difficult on the mind. Asked what superpower she'd most want, she answered "to be able to fly," only to later reveal that she's "terrified of heights." Then again, "a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds," so maybe I'm the a-hole.
  2. Phoenix, Dallas Stars (confusing, I know)Phoenix notes that her favorite cuisine is "Mexican food," and that she could eat it three times a day. We speculate that Phoenix's Yorkie, Bentley, while an able companion, also makes for a handy fall-guy after that third serving of queso. Bent-LEY!
  3. Erica, Florida PanthersIn her own words, Erica once "mistakenly got into someone's car, that looked like my mom's, and ate their food until they returned and asked what i was doing." Why does she stop just when the story's getting good?
  4. Danielle, Buffalo SabresDanielle enjoys spearing dudes in the yambag and going deep into the playoffs.
  5. Holly, Nashville PredatorsGentlemen, put your hands together for Holly, who lists Jesus as the person she would most like to meet. Holly, however, didn't even make Jesus's Top 10 (for someone so full of love, he can be pretty cold sometimes).
  6. ToniLynn, Tampa Bay LightningTweeeeet! Minor penalty, two minutes for hooking.
There they are, your 2007 Japers' Rink Ice Princess finalists. Now go do your patriotic duty and vote early and often (at the top of the right-hand sidebar). A grateful nation thanks you.

28 comments:

chanuck said...

Danielle is the biggest chick in the bunch, but my pick is going to be number 6 Miss ToniLynn.

Joe said...

I don't like the way that Danielle is trying to seduce me with those eyes. Plus, he's a being a bit rough on the stick.

I'm going with Kerry.

Caps Nut said...

What?!?!?! No Boston Ice Girls who can eat an entire pizza in one sitting?!?!?!?!?!?!

This whole thing is a travishmockery!!!!!!!

And only two natural brunettes (one with a hideous blonde dye-job) in the bunch. What about the redheads?!?!?!?!

This is an outrage!!!!!!!!

And one of them is Married?!?!?!?!

What's the fun in that?!?!?!?!?!

jtreat said...

I just want to point out that the Canes girl isn't even wearing skates. Shouldn't that disqualify her?

dave@etd said...

First let me say to Kerry, "you are very pretty, and your surrealism is a real asset to this organization. I will make out with you and would like to get to second."

That said, these competitions are about the snarky objectification of women, and while a powder-blue top, tight jeans and just a whisper of mid-riff allow for such objectificaton; the chick in the skanky ref outfit simply overwhlems Kerry and her fellow competitors.

And with a name like ToniLynn? "I" dbl "N"? (I bet there's room at that Inn) (hiiii yooo)

But I digress.

To award Kerry the Ice Girl Tiara and Sceptor would send a message that we, as lonley, strange men on hockey message boards, do not want revealing adaptions of traditional outfits that feature shiney stretch pants.

Frankly that's not a message I'm prepared to send.

ToniLynn by a length (hi yo)

(anyway I think that Dannielle kind of looks like a dude)

Gary said...

"Two for hooking" was genius.

Sonia said...

Um..I think I vote for Erica. Now is there going to be a version of this post for the ladies? :D

Rob said...

I vote for Erica, but Danielle is a close second...

Now what happens if Danielle comes to D.C.? Does that mean the Ice Girls Cometh? ;)

Shaggy said...

I find this to be a gratuitous and "sex"ploitative stunt masquerading as a poll, and everyone should see that these young women are merely being classed as objects, and, and, uh, what were Erica's turn-ons and turnoffs again?

Anonymous said...

nothing kills a boner faster than Jesus.

Give me Phoneix from Dallas...or was it Dallas from Phoenix??

kbr7171 said...

The hooker...ToniLynn

David said...

Kerry's ability to fly would mitigate her fear of heights. Afterall, falling off a tall building wouldn't really matter if you could fly. I don't think you're correct in labeling yourself an a-hole- maybe just an idiot. Then again, most hockey fans are both, right?

Marky Narc said...

And what's the deal with ToniLynn's referee uniform? It looks like something from the roller derby.

Matt said...

Okay, even as a Sabres fan I laughed at Danielle.

At first I was shocked, then I read the caption, thought for 0.2 seconds, then laughed.

Well played, sir.

The Schwizz said...

#2 rivals Danielle in Dudeness. Kelly is Mary Ann to Toni Lynn's Ginger, and in the end Ginger always wins.

The Schwizz said...

And, oh, is #5 Jennie Finch made up to look like a porn star?

DCSportsChick said...

Danielle, no question.

As a girl, I have to say- what is up with Kerry's hair? Seriously, chick needs to get to a decent stylist, stat! Brown-blond-brown is not a haircolor.

Alex Parker said...

The Blackhawks' Ice Crew is conspicuously absent. Those chicks are HOT!

Steve said...

I think #5 has the exact grip to be my princess...

Dany, Dany, Dany... from what I understand she's a real tease, she'll fondle you from across the seat then runaway...

Brown-Blond-Brown is uh, natural highlighting from the sun... really, and like dave@etd said, I would not want to set a repcident by voting her in that says "Wholesome is Okay"... No sir...

5 is the princess, 2 is the rienne, 1 is th Duchess...

but #3 is the Queen!

Anonymous said...

I hear Danielle wears a heavy flow maxi pad.

CapsChick said...

Danielle is a pretty, pretty girl - she gets my vote.

Oh, and DCSportsChick - I think it's safe to assume that there's nothing natural on any of these girls. Why would they try for a natural haircolor?

Superfan # 99 said...

There are so many things wrong with all of them, it's hard to pick a "winner."

1.)Terrible highlight job at the stylist. That said, if she can fly, I'm looking to rack up HUGE frequent flier miles.

2.)Gassy bimbo, with one of those toy dogs. No thanks.

3.)A Jessica Simpson doppleganger? She too, got into the wrong car. Something I can't even imagine doing myself. So dumb she should wear a helmet, is a major turnoff. Plus she's married? I'd boo her, given the chance.

4.)"He's such a beefcake!" in my best Big Gay Al voice.

5.)Agree with anonymous. Jesus freaks are a major turnoff. And on the off chance they do get freaky, they are probably morally confused.

6.)Belly-button jewelry is SOOOOO played out. Might actually be a natural blond? Dress the part. She gets my vote.

PB said...

My pick is for Erica...

:-)

Mike said...

Erica is damn near enough for me to go watch the Panthers suck in person.

Evan said...

maybe Kerry is afraid of heights because she cannot currently fly (i.e. she is really afraid of falling)

murph said...

as the creators of the "Ice Girls" concept, don't the Islanders automatically get 1 nominee?

Anonymous said...

I'm going with Holly. I can help her speak to Jesus...

Anonymous said...

Is this the only way to get Southerners to hocky games? Maybe the NHL should reconsider it's expansion plans.